Why I Am

When you think of doing international service, you probably wouldn’t imagine the school where I teach. This is a well-off school with motivated, bright students with positive looking futures. Of course, it has its needs, as any place does, but compared to other places where I have served, it is a treat. I am supposed to be sacrificing myself, aren’t I? People keep saying I’m doing great things and they admire me. But what difference am I making? Am I really needed? Why am I even here? Am I more needed somewhere else? These questions circle through my head constantly.

Beautiful Pingelap

The day after Christmas, I embarked on a trip to a remote island called Pingelap. We spent 4 glorious days there swimming in the crystal clear water, watching the sunset over the Pacific Ocean, walking from one end of the island to the other, reading in a hammock, drinking coconuts, and getting to know each other. (For a better description of the experience, visit my friend's blog post about it: Gabrielle's Blog)

It was beautiful to step away from Pohnpei. A chance to reflect on my time here so far from a distance, from a more grounded point of view. Again, these same questions popped up.

Why am I here?

And I thought of my students right away. But not of the tests I’d given them, not of any academic work. I thought of us talking, dancing, and laughing together. I thought of seeing them stand up to their friends. Seeing how they’ve grown, even over just a few months of knowing them.

That is why I’m here. I’m here to be with these people, to know them, to be with them as we both grow.

It seems silly, I’ve known for about 5 years now that I’ve wanted to be a teacher, but I’ve just realized why. Maybe it’s because I spent 4 years studying with an emphasis on researching and learning best practices in teaching, or maybe it’s because I never took a step back and thought about it. I always thought of the positive impact of education on a person’s life and the opportunities that it gives. Of course, I valued relationship building, because that impacts a student’s motivation to learn. I’ve built relationships with plenty of kids in the past, and I know that they’ve shaped me so much. And yet, still, when I thought of teaching, I thought all I was offering them (hopefully) was a solid academic background that could help to break the cycle of poverty.

But, I’ve realized, that’s not why I’m here. That’s not why I teach. That’s not what the kids need most.

Last week, I had 3 of the grades perform original pieces of poetry. Their poems blew me away, by their natural talent and creativity, their ability to show off what they’ve learned in their writing, and their courage to perform such intimate poetry to a room full of people.

One of students in the "poetry lounge" (decorated storage room)

Well, they inspired me to write my own poem. As much as I may try to explain how I feel, I think this (not very good) poem best explains my mindset these days:

I AM NOT THE TEACHER

Teaching implies that I fill your head with

-knowledge-

But I’ve come to realize

Despite what it implies

That all that matters is if I try

To make you never want to lie

And to be there for you when you cry.

Because who cares if you know 2+2

If you don’t believe in telling the truth?

Who cares if you know how to spell gratitude

If you don’t know what the word means?

Who cares if you know the bones and organs

inside the human body

If you don’t know the cares and feelings

inside that human body next to you?

I studied how to teach

But these things I did not know

Until I came right here

You see, you’ve helped me to grow

I’m supposed to fill your mind with

-knowledge-

but you have filled my heart with

-love-

-inspiration-

and

–awe-

I AM NOT THE TEACHER